the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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