I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
