I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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