too bad you live with your parents still
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
