I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
