I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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