The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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