As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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