I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
