don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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