I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
