my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
