bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I am one with the molecules
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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