I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
