He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Vodka?
Forever.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
