The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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