Pants 0. Shit 1.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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