Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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