there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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