I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
