Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
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You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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