Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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