You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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