Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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