God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
