At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
