Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
