he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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