In the future we'll all be gay
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
