He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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