R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
