I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
