Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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