My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
