This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
