Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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