You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
