Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
