my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
