i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
