fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So many bounce houses so little time
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
