I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
