then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
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I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
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If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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