I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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