this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
