i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
