So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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