just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
