You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
