somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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