I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
