just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I believe in your delicious
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