I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
