why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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