Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
