saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
